Such a time as this. How do I describe being able to see my own growth? What words do I use to describe the realization that only now do I have a relationship with God that can grow? He pursued. He poked. He waited. I could have guessed my response would have been what it was. I have always known myself to truly love Jesus. I would not have guessed-- no, I would not have known to look for-- a change in my spiritual and personal growth. A growth of faith, and trust; a faith of waiting for a promise because I cannot deny the confirmations; a faith holding on to the Truth I know despite whatever really happens.
When I gave up my dreams to Him, and when I used tears instead of words, knowing He would understand just the same, and when I still pray and actually wait in expectance for Him to respond, I know I am undeniably on the journey.
My life is not a mess of broken pieces waiting to be put back together again. It is not forever going to be like this, except in the sense of me being completely and utterly dependent, in honest trust, as I give Him my heart daily.
As I am gently rocked, and sometimes drastically shaken, awake from the slumber of Christiandome good actions, soft speech, and heartfelt intentions, I am learning what His love is. Only with and through His love can I love others how I want to, and how I was created to. I was given an incredible heart with incredible responsibility. We all were. I choose to use mine to a great extent. Sometimes it hurts more than the deepest shame to put myself in such a position. In light of what has been done for me, and in the wake of an undeniable grace shown me, how can I not envelope others in an outpouring of my life and heart to my own detriment at times, and with joy? How can I not, with His Cross and the torn veil in view? With joy I will use the most powerful gift I can give: my heart.
God teaches me things by example. He asks me to reconcile because He reconciles. He asks me to trust Him because Jesus loved Him. He asks me to love and shows me not only how to love, but how to love with His love, not my own. He teaches by example. I haven't got every one of His examples on autopilot, but I have learned that with prayerful practice through opportunity, he teaches me. A willing student tends to do the best. I pray to be willing and for God to open my eyes to things I cannot see. I pray for Him to purge me still of the me I am struggling with, to dig to my roots and plant fresh seeds, to grow me into His character. And I pray for God to work this out, and for my heart to be in-line with whatever is meant by that.
I want to glorify Him, reflect Him, love Him to the full extent of my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I want to die having used every talent and gift He has given me. I want to meet Jesus with a high-five and a hug amidst the thank You. I want my life to matter. Whether that is through a nonprofit career, fashion, teaching, a master's degree does not truly matter. My relationship with Christ must be significant in my daily life. I must make time to hear Him, and I must invite Him into every ounce of my day. When people see me, I hope they see God; likewise, I hope to have my Father's eyes on situations, people, everything.
May I constantly know the blessings I have received from God, and who I am because of His Blessing.
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