I'm mean.

when did this start?  during the time I started hating myself... that was so many months ago.

I'm waiting, and literally, only God knows for what.

I have so many questions for Him.  why all of that, Lord?  why all of that, when the road I thought You were leading me on has quite suddenly stopped.  it is as if I'm seeing myself on a road and suddenly the path is a semi-circle in front of me.  the future is both bleak in perspective based on tangible life, yet promising based on Him and His promises in Isaiah 64:4:

"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him."

He has a lot more purging of me to do.  because I realized last night that I am mean.  but that's not me at all. 

I feel like my life right now is focused on me, as if God is working in me and on me and even though I am used to spending my time helping others and loving people... it is as if I am not permitted to do that right now because He wants to work on me.  it feels so... selfish and self-centered but I am forced to think about why I am doing the things I do and why I think about them the way I do, why I feel the emotions I feel and by identifying them, how I can always always always work through them with Jesus to ONLY reflect HIM and letting myself be available to reflect Him for His glory, how He wants to.  it is a bit contradictory in terms: focusing so much on me so I actually reflect Him.  it sounds funny, but it is just that.  unless I can identify what makes me me and really know in the shallow and deep parts of my heart that I am wholly His and that He loves me even when I am mean, I cannot be the person I want to be, the person He is growing me to be.

I can't go back to how I was.  it was a simple faith.  I loved Jesus with my whole heart, but I didn't learn much about Him because I thought it might contradict my "child-like" faith.  but this steadfastness He is building is based on the trust of a child.  His child.  there is so much that has to go, so much I miss, so much I want.

I learned how to love like Jesus in college-- I remember being so excited about what He taught me in that time.  God is Creator.  He likes to make new things.  So I don't think He is reteaching me this, rather, this is already so much more.  I cannot define it.  I can't even fully process it but I know I am in the middle of it and I can't see out of this time.  there's confusion, and there's calm, from Him of course.  He wants me to have His best because He is a God of love, and He sent Jesus so that I may have life and have it to the full.  it is in His character to give me His best, even when I doubt, don't believe Him, and sit in confusion and distrust that He is SOVEREIGN... which basically means He really is in control of everything and knows what's coming.

these last few nights He has graciously helped me identify very key traits I absolutely must change to love like Him.  He says to love your neighbor as yourself.  after hating the core of who I am, everything that has made me me for months, if not years, and facing the destruction and hallow brokenness that sin causes in people and relationships and life, I can never go back to who I was.  I am entering who I am in Him, someone I have not known for many, many years.  I am entering into the essence of faith.  I am a loving person.  I love to love.  loving makes me who I am.  I was created with so much love to give.  but God must teach me, and purge me and show me how to love myself so I can love the way I want to, and the way I was created to.  because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I can't love people when I feel hate towards myself.  it just didn't work.  I showed hate instead, because, simply, I treat people the way I treat myself.  He will teach me how to love with HIS love, not my own.  It will be so much better.

there is so much to be done.  I am willing.  but I pray to learn and ultimately change sooner rather than later.  and I pray to be at rest because of who He is with all of my but what about... questions.  Faith is believing Him for who He says He is.  Faith is trusting that He really does know what is going on.  Faith is knowing that He will work out His purposes through me if I am willing, and I can see what He does if the focus is on Him and not myself.  Identification is the first step to growth, and faith allows me to ask Him to show me what to change, and waiting for Him to help me through the immense process.