rays

Without a back story, I will share that I have been trying to take God up on His promise that if I seek Him, I will find Him.  So I prayed. and prayed. and prayed.  Yet, there was only silence.  My mind was all cloudy with more and more confusion, especially wondering why I was not "finding" Him.  After all, He promised.  Each day was getting harder than the one before and I reached utter hopelessness.  I wondered what could I possibly do? (there's a story here about what I did... but it deserves a real conversation)

I have just learned that seeking God is a process.  It is an adventure of sorts.  It is in the process that I am finding Him.  Out of desperation I seek.  Out of desperation, I expect what only God can do: reveal Himself to me and give me His hope.  Out of desperation and out of love, I will do anything to find Him.

I have deep questions and a deep longing for understanding of my life.  But are my questions the main issue?  Current events drive me to question God, on so many levels, on very painful areas of my life.  But the questions also stir distrust in God and push me to seek what it means for God to be "faithful."  My mentor asked me, "Do you believe in God?"  "Yes, of course."  "Okay, but--," she continued, "Do you believe God?"

So I seek, not always knowing how and with sometimes desperate measures, to see God work in certain areas of my life.  Some people call this God showing me He loves me.  I'm not sure if that's what it is, but I think that He will inevitably do that along the way of this process.  And He has:

He has shown me that He loves me because I can read His Word and actually feel it again surging through my spirit.  For so long this was missing.  I was praying and praying and yet, the Words felt dead to me.  All my confusion about life and questions without answers were clouding my perception.  When my mentor read aloud some chapters in the Bible to me, it broke through that cloud.  I have decided to start reading everyday again.  Since doing so, the words are speaking directly to me.  What a change!  My heart has remained the same in my wanting to find God, but there are rays of Light shining through the cloud now.  I read Psalm 103:1-6 (a favorite which has been dead to me).  Part of it says, "who redeems your life from the pit" (where I have truly believed my life is at: the lowest point) "and crowns you with love and compassion" (love and compassion are attributes of the me I really am/ the me I want to be restored to being that has been lost in the messiness of life).  Verse 6 says, "The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed."  Several months ago I took comfort in this verse on behalf of trafficked victims, and the hungry and hurting people of the world, and felt comforted that God would work life out for them and that it is okay that I can't help everyone in need.  Yet yesterday, when I read this verse, I was the "oppressed" and The Lord will work righteousness and justice for me.  That was the most beautiful, humbling thought.

I am so thankful for these bits of hope in Him.  I don't know the outcomes of anything and I surely don't understand so so much of what is and has recently happened.  But I am seeking Him, and seeking Him to show me His ways and next steps for my life.  I have an urgency to seek Him and to spend
intentional time with Him.  I hope He will show me so much of what I am asking for in a way I can understand.

Matthew 5:8... Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.