Japan

I am processing an immense amount daily in my spiritual journey right now.  An absolute immense amount.  And my internet does not work on my laptop at home so that is also a big issue with why I cannot post and comment.  But here's a bit of an update.

JAPAN.

I love to travel.  I daydream about it.  I love people.  People, cultures, comforting, serving, helping... these make up me.  I want my WHOLE LIFE to GLORIFY God and serve Him in every way I can.  I want to constantly be the hands and feet of Jesus.  I would give anything and everything for Him.  I was supposed to fly out today for Japan at 345pm but I could not.

I had a plane ticket and a rough itinerary and people who I wanted to go with.  All of my coworkers were praying for peace.  I found peace-- and mad frustration and sadness-- in staying home and saying sayanara to this almost perfect opportunity.

The distress started when my family completely flipped that I was going into a radiation zone.  I can understand that.  I am the fourth of four and the only one to have ever traveled outside of the country, other than Mexico.  They love me to pieces and understand fully that my immune system is as beneficial to protect me as an ant caught in a stream of water trying to swim and live: it tries and ultimately fails.  I am sick from October through April, and it's March, which means that my immune system is already fighting really hard.  Apart from that, my sister pointed out that, although there are multiple angles on the radiation levels, the American military has pulled out to protect our soldiers: our countrymen and women willing to sacrifice their own lives for the enhancement of freedom, a cause, much like myself and the mission I believe my life is.

My job in Japan wasn't completely glamorous or glorious in saving lives, bringing people to Christ, or much else in my understanding of the mission of the trip.  Actually, the mission of the trip wasn't really explained to me all that much to begin with, nor was when we were going.  Yet, everything still seemed fantastic as I thought of this wonderful opportunity.  This is what I went to school for and this is what filled my mind on so many days.

But I didn't have peace in going.  It doesn't make much sense and frustrated (and annoyed) my CEO and coworkers that I announced I was not going one hour before we were to leave for the airport.  I could not apologize enough through my tears, as the decision to stay was SO much harder than any decision to go.  I do not know if I will ever understand why I could not go on that trip, but I have peace that I am in California, and that I listened to the persistent "no" inside of me.  How frustrating it is though.

I have a plane ticket in my name that I was graciously allowed to get a change of date for.  I do want to go to Japan.  My boss does not know if they will need to make a second trip, and that is dependent on how this first trip goes.  I pray for God's will that if I am to go, that He opens that door super duper wide, and that I can set that date by the end of next week (that's when I need to tell the airline).  I have a special love for the Japanese people and I have tons of friends there, built on relationships stemming from when my mom began coordinating foreign exchange groups when I was in the fourth grade.  I would not be against going by myself even, as I know these friends could show me around the island.  My boss also told me that he sensed a special "purpose" in my going on this trip-- but I wonder if that couldn't be translated as my purpose in going to Japan period, just not today.  I don't know why not today because I'm not God.

The lack of peace in going was insurmountable, and I had to say no.  It has been a few hours since making that decision.  I have realized so many things through this experience.  Not even the angst in the last 24 hours has been wasted.  He is faithful because He literally doesn't event waste this time.

My sister said something that got me thinking.  She wondered why it seems I serve "penance" in so many things I do.  I thought about it some and it isn't penance I serve, but I seem to mask an incomprehension of caring about myself with selflessness.  For example, I was afraid to get cancer for how it would affect those around me, not myself.  If I became sterile from the radiation, I was afraid of how this would affect and hurt my possible future husband, completely denying any trace that maybe I too would like to have children, and not just adopt them.  If I got thyroid cancer from the radiation, I was afraid of passing this on to my children, as thyroid issues from radiation can be passed on to the next generation (ask the children of people during the Hiroshima bomb).  I didn't want to burden my possible future children with such health issues; I didn't deem it fair.  How often I forget that I, too, am a rightful heir and child of God and I, too, am a treasured creation.  This is really new to me and I am processing but I am also not too sure how to go about effectively changing my mindset on that.  I know He will show me, because He has uncovered the mask.  And also, at first thought, I wanted to be faithful to the moment, and cling to God and pray for protection in Japan.  But what about being prudent of the future?  And as Darin said, being "a good steward of your life."  ...MY life.  What a thought.  Please show me, Holy Spirit.

I struggle SO much with making decisions for many reasons.  This showed itself clearly since 7pm last night.  Daily decisions are hard for me, so a big quick decision felt like the death of me!  I know a lot of this stems from perfectionism-- feeling like there is a right and a wrong to every decision.  Also being the youngest in my family, I am used to being delegated to and told what to do and when and why... without questioning and without always understanding.  I have to learn to make decisions for myself because this is my life and I will always be the one to live the consequences of it.  I am just not used to making decisions and this one was especially hard.  I kept crying out, "but which one will bring You MORE GLORY??"

We can each glorify God in every action we take, from brushing our teeth to doing homework to driving on the freeway.  It is our attitude and where our hearts are behind it.  So for me, it was hard to be okay with bringing quiet glory to God.  It would usually appear to me that taking off on a plane to Japan on a 21 hour notice to deliver aid and meet with partners of the humanitarian aid and disaster relief organization I work for would bring God more glory than staying home during a week I actually do not have much planned.  Why?  Because GOING is an outward display for me and all to see the work of my hands for God.  But here is where my thinking changed.  If I am obedient to stay and go completely against the grain of my own mind and wants, as well as those monetary investments into my work and the opinions and advice of my coworkers, then I think I am bringing God quiet glory.  Quiet glory is no less beautiful than outward glory I can give to God.  It is just harder for other folks to identify.  And that is okay and good, because then I am humbled to serve Him with no chance of recognition.  Quiet glory is how I can most humbly serve Him.  And being obedient, despite my wants or consequences, will always bring God glory.

I have peace and I hope I have done the utmost important purpose of my life today and the reason I would go, and want to still go, to Japan: to bring my beautiful God the glory He alone deserves.  I will rest in that.

What a day.