Japan Continued

Alright.  So please keep in mind I am trying really hard to make sure I am not arrogant or prideful in my position on what I am about to say.  My boss called me into his office to talk about Japan, because I still have a plane ticket in my name.  He basically told me that I will be sent "at a moment's notice" to Japan whenever.  (red flag)  He did not ask me how I felt about going or if I wanted to.  (red flag)  I saw a few red flags in his leadership in the craziness of the first time he said I was going (20 hours notice with no explanations of purpose or safety).  But in talking with him and watching his leadership throughout the entirety of the Japan situation, I am becoming less and less of a fan.  I have only worked here for 3 months and I do not want to jump to conclusions, but when I hear his theology coming out through these situations, and I cannot agree, I am left a bit frustrated.  Back up.  First things first.  As far as Japan goes, I actually do not agree with the trip.  I think there is good reason that pastors across the country, including ones at RockHarbor and Saddleback, are holding back their teams for safety's sake until we all really know what will happen to the people we send to help other people.  My boss, on the other hand, only judges the radiation in the air and has therefore returned to CA telling everyone that Japan is completely safe and that the church needs to rise up and we have the perfect opportunity... (Side note: the church always has a perfect opportunity if we choose to see it and we can constantly rise up...ugh.).  If Japan is completely safe then why is there plutonium (the worst type of radiation) in their soil and they are drinking contaminated water?  Let's not preach untruth to get people moving.  (red flag)  Let's do our research before we take a team into a radiation zone.  (red flag)  The Board of Directors (every non-profit organization needs them, they are like the cabinet of the presidency except they can actually shut the president down... so maybe they are more like Congress within the system of checks and balances) doesn't have any expectations.  (red flag)  I don't have a real job description.  (red flag)  The real issues though lie in his leadership (and I'm overlooking that he micromanages me which is a real issue that will probably come up later... why? because he will tell me I have full responsibility over something but manages my tasks the way he wants them so then if they fail, I am literally in trouble for his work and he would never be able to see/ understand that... ahem, red flag).  During our talk post-Japan-trip-I-didn't-go-on, I said God works things out for the good and that I was really learning so much from staying home (keep in mind that I still agree with choosing to stay home, which he said was my choice, but which I am also paying consequences now for).  He cut me off to say, "of course He does..." and continued meaning that I chose incorrectly and God will work for good in spite of me.  (red flag, and hurtful, and that's not at all what I meant by that).  So at this point when I think of Japan, it kinda stresses me out because "a moment's notice" is a kinda scary thing for something so big, and that kind of leadership that would send me out like that without respecting any of my other commitments is a red flag.  I was thinking like do I stand up to him and just say I am not going because I don't agree with it and could lose my job.  Then it kinda hit me.  I would also slay my reputation.  In some circumstances I think this is totally okay.  But all these verses in Proverbs and beyond came to mind about your reputation and good name being so very important.  So I feel like I will be going to be obedient to this particular-- for lack of a better word-- command.  Only 2 out of the 26 people who work with me actually told me they support my decision to stay home from the first trip.  Everyone else pretty much ignored me for awhile.  My reputation would be thrashed and I don't think that's what God would want, and the funny thing is how it would be thrashed with a bunch of Christians at a Christian non-prof.  O my goodness.  I am praying fiercely for my safety and for protection and for guidance and for that "moment" to be put off for awhile for several reasons.  One good thing is that he said he would send me with a team we partner with so I would probably be doing hands on stuff which is much better than meeting with partners like they did the first trip.  That encourages me a little.  I never expected my interest in going to Japan when he started talking about it on March 11, the day the tsunami hit, to also be my verbal commitment to go, which I am being held to.  This is a tough spot.  There aren't many other jobs available and I am daily seeking God to quiet my heart and calm me enough so I can hear Him in this particularly right now.  God opened this door so wide.  And I am praying for understanding as to why.  I am also applying for another job which is a real shot in the dark to be honest, but what else shall I do?  I am also in that period of massive growing where there are so many changes and constantly that I am spinning but almost feel like I am walking straight... I think that's what God does: like when you look at a ceiling fan spinning, spinning, spinning, then focus in on one blade go slowly around the light.  I think that's what God does.  He zeros in so much on our hearts, if we let Him, that everything is a lot calmer even though it's actually chaos when you think about it or try to explain it.

What's a little funny is that all this stuff related to work is the least of what's up, really.  It's just one blade.