it's only wednesday

less and less slices are reading blogs, which actually makes me more prone to being honest:

I am so sad.

I know that God loves me so very much.

I know that He sees me in my past, in my present, and in my future.

He wants His best for me.

He knows that I want my heart's desires to be in line with His.

He knows that I want to know Him SO MUCH MORE.  and that I am SO thankful for what He has done in me in this season, albeit the daily struggle to surrender my heart, my emotions, my hectic mind, and my flustered spirit.

I will give Him thanks.

I know that my best for Christ will NEVER be good enough, and for the first time in my whole life I understand that that is fantastic, because it keeps me coming back to Him and relish in His pursuing grace and unfailing love.

I struggle to understand why I am, again, at a job that is beginning to make me physically sick.  I struggle to understand why I was blessed with gifts and talents that are not being cultivated by my work environment, but rather are being castoff, under-used, and disregarded.  The daily repeated phrase in my head "this is dying to self" does not keep me from these feelings of sadness, frustration, and hurt.

I know He has so much more to do in me.  So much more to teach me.

I wonder if any of the pieces of life as I knew it will be reconstructed any time soon.

I yearn to feel His unfailing love and infinite compassion.

I pray that He fills all of the empty voids in my life with His immense love, and that I continue to trust Him through the sh-- of life.

I know He sees the tears well up and roll down as I type this out.

As a God with so much love and mercy and compassion ready to be given out, I do not think He would be against me looking for a different job with a healthier work environment, solid leadership, where I can be a light for Him, and where perhaps my gifts can flourish.  I don't think He would be against me leaving a job that spurs the production of ovarian cysts, caused by emotional stress.  Not every job will be perfect, but I would love to be at a job where I am not in physical pain.

How I want to do a good job and serve God in my workspace!  How I want Him to use me in spite of myself and show me where He wants me.  

I am applying elsewhere.  Part of me wants to be in a real work environment.  Somewhere that will grow me and my so-called skills.  I will apply to companies, not nonprofits.  Another part of me wants a break from life.  That part of me will apply as a summer camp counselor to a local camp that I can go home on weekends and not dismiss my commitment to Circles.

I do want that break.  But the driven part of me wants to fulfill some goals, wants to not struggle financially, wants to be able to have some means to bless others.  These three all point to this idea I have for ministry in my future.  

But I can't see the future.  What I do see is a really long, really hard, unblessed road ahead of me.  I see a strengthened relationship with Christ, but a lot of heartache. 

There's this part of me that fully realizes that the world is SO MUCH BIGGER than little me.  There's so much of His work to be done.  There's so much loving and serving and evangelizing to do.  Yet, here I am: crying because MY life is looking like a prolonged shipwreck.  And it makes me inevitably sad, then angry at myself for honing in so much on my own life, and lastly guilty for thinking so much about me and using my time to pray way more for me than for the people I could serve through prayer.

I want so badly for Him to lead my life.

I want SO BADLY to know if I am hearing Him or if it is me.  UGH.  How I don't want it to be me.  How I want what He wants, how I pray for Him to purge me of myself to let Him come in, how I want tangible fruit, how I want His encouragement, how I want to be able to confidently discern His voice.

I want to be obedient.  I want to be FULL of faith.  I want my hope to rest in Him.  I want Him to show me who I am, in Him.  I want to be the me I was created to be.  I want to be free in every area.  I want the life He always intended.

I want to represent Him WELL.  I want to be a GOOD disciple.  I want to show others, "this is what it looks like to be a Follower of Christ!"  I want freedom and joy and love to not only pour out of me, but cause me to literally glow.  

I want to be rid of fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear because of a lack of confidence, fear of my future, fear that I am not getting it, fear of humanity's judgement, fear to step out in shear faith when I have no idea what else to do or which door to go through.  Fear that I make a wrong decision and have heavier consequences to pay because of it.  Fear of authority.  Fear of friendlessness.  I surrender this all at Your feet.

I miss being able to love so freely those I care about SO FREAKING MUCH.

My heart is broken.

And it is His to deal with.  His to mend.  His.  His.  His.

I'm losing another friend this week.  May God grow him immensely and bless him and fill Him so much for his literal walk of faith.

How I miss friends, not community.

How I wish these tears would stop.



all to Jesus I surrender, all to Him I freely give.   I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live.
I surrender all.  I surrender all.  all to Him my blessed Savior, I surrender all.