read zach's blog. then:
I jumped. Off the cliff.
I'm in the air. I don't know how long I will be in the air. The air is actually a scary place to be. No control. Nothing to hold on to. Nothing in the reach of my grasp.
In the air I can only have pure dependence. Being in the air teaches me to wait. It teaches me to turn every second to Him because He is all I have. I cannot analyze the breeze or the tops of the trees, or if I am going to land on those rocks, or if I am going to smack if I hit the water. I cannot analyze any of that because I do not know the answers. Analyzing and trying to understand just causes me to spin-- not a controlled somersault spin, but an aggressive sickening wretched spin.
Over-analyzing is not trusting. Over-analyzing is sinful.
Day in and day out my heart is in a tug-of-war. I decided to jump. It wasn't a step of faith. It was an "I am so scared, God, for this outcome but I think You led me here and I want to be obedient" jump-off-of-a-cliff-of-fear of faith. I hope that makes sense. Did I mention I am in the air? Because I am. Ugh.
I am trying to rest in the air. Do you know how hard it is to rest when you are falling somewhere-- either to a rocky shore or a comfortable prairie-- and you have no idea where you are going to land?
But I trust Him. Actually, I want to trust Him so much more because my heart leaps back to fear so quickly. It's frustrating because I want to always make my home at Trust. But one thought, one spinning thought, and I'm camping out at fear, doubt, confusion, scaredy-cat lane.
He's leading where I am landing. I need to trust Him in that much more.
Please no more pain from this. Please work out Your purposes. Please may I glorify You in this. Please give me Your words. If it is pain You will, Abba, I will take it with joy. God, I don't even know what I will say. May my view of You increase. Please prepare our hearts, and hold mine in the wake of Your will. I choose to trust You, and the goodness of Your unfailing love and faithfulness.
First of all,
ReplyDeleteI can't believe I haven't been following your blog this entire time haha. I JUST NOW found it and saw that I wasn't subscribed to yours so I guess I have some catching up to do!
This was beautiful...
I can relate, in such a weird and amazing way. Every word that my eyes read past seemed to resonate in my heart and affirm my own insecurities and fears. He is in control. He is guiding, sustaining, watching and preparing you. We fall back on fear as we trip over obstacles keeping us from the Truth and His love. I am also in the air. I can safely say that for too long I've sat on the edge, dangling my feet off the cliff and humming a tune as I try to tell God that I am living dangerously for Him. After the realization that I have been a scaredy-cat, I have been been able to truly step off the cliff and dive head first into the sea of grace. This is awesome... "He's leading where I am landing"... wow. I read that like 10 times haha
Jenna :) yes. i am soooo excited to see what God is going to do in your life. the jump is the hardest part! and now that you're in the air, there is no going back! continue to seek Him and trust Him and He will continue to blow your mind and show you how much He loves you. so good. so so good. :)) i just feel your heart beating and vibing towards heaven, even through your words on this page. God chose you for a reason, He's going to use you. amen :)
ReplyDeleteJenna my dear! You did jump and I'm so proud of you for that. Seriously, it is such a big deal. The good thing is that even though you're in the air, you are still grounded, because you know your eternal outcome. You know that God is good. You know that He wants the best for you. It is like you're falling and you may hit some trees on the way down or slide against some rocks, but you know that you will land with grace and with strength, because God is on your side no matter what. Yes, things hurt SO much, but never enough to end us. He will always pull us through. Love you.
ReplyDeleteYou took the first step and were obedient and jumped. God is now leading you and trying to show you that He is faithful and will guide you in the air. I know it is so hard to trust when you are trusting God in the unknown and you can't be in control. This is something God is teaching me as well. It is hard to fully surrender even though over and over God reveals His faithfulness and hand in our lives. Tonight Chris Ward was talking about the Israelites and how they let doubt and fear take over. They saw God work in their lives and His power over and over, but they tended to want to go back to Egypt where it was the known area. They were comfortable with that even though it was so terrible. I pray that God will remind you of His faithfulness to you and that you will learn to trust Him completely. Continue to be obedient and pursue Him. He will reveal Himself more and more to you. :)
ReplyDeleteJenna,
ReplyDeleteYou blog speaks to me and am so happy you have jumped. It's hard to get out of our comfort zones to just take the plunge into the unknown. Keep praying, keep reading your word, God will show you where you need to be. Just know that when you jump, God will catch you. This is awesome encouragement thank you for sharing.
jenna, thank you for sharing. to be completely honest with you, i have a hard time understanding a lot of the time when i read your blog because it seems that you're experiencing so much anxiety, stress, and suffering, yet i rarely see the concrete causes of these things. i hope that you'll be soothed and healed. a broken heart is never lost. i hope you find love and peace. i know you hope that too.
ReplyDelete