friday thoughts

My boss called me into his office this afternoon.  I called in sick yesterday, and my stomach hurt so badly today that I was two hours late.  Considering I have only been here four weeks today, this really isn't great.  He basically just wanted to tell me that I am depressed but wants to make sure my work is getting done.  Then I remembered the reasons why, despite the massive stabbing pains I felt in my abdomen, I also didn't want to go to work today.  I am so grateful for a job, and think this is one God really gifted me with, especially right now... it does give me something to do with my day.  I am really discontent with life though.  Actually, discontent is absolutely not the right word... angry, sad, frustrated, hurt by life... I feel like opportunity was stolen from me.  I didn't want to go to work today because I want what I don't have.  I didn't want to go because I can't concentrate, I can't focus, and I don't get hardly anything done.  I feel like I am wasting their money by sitting here, yet this time of life is really not allowing me to show just how good I can be at this.  I didn't want to go because I want to do something different... something lovely, something fantastic, something that is altogether me.  I'm not trying to have a bad attitude about it.  I suppose-- ugh, this is going to hurt-- I want a dream to come true.  Not a goal, or a wish, or a thought... like a real dream.  The kind that I don't ever talk about or express because when they fall flat and belly up, it is easier to be self-deprecating in the loss of it, than to face failure or loss in the wake of it all with people asking about it constantly.  Actually, it is much easier not to have any dreams at all, especially ones of the heart.  But aren't all dreams ones of the heart?  There should be a warning sign for those of us with really big ideas and really big hearts to stop before we actually think one or two might come true.  This could be a reality check between my timing and God's timing, until I think His timing was right in front of me.  Then I'm just confused, and the cycle continues.  I was so excited.  I was so grateful.  I was so ready for something only God could do.  But here I am, again.  More unsure, and more disappointed, and more sad than I ever thought possible, because in some dreams lie the hope of dreams unkept in just the mind and heart.  Some dreams are in my soul.  And when I warily yet hopefully tap into those, the effects can be devastating when they shatter in front of my face.