Wednesday, February 2, 2011
life
I'm in Circles, so I have to write, which is the only reason I am forcing myself to do this. I'm scared. As much as you tell me I don't have to fear, I do. I know God will pick up the pieces of me, but the process hurts so much, even though I see the growth that is occurring. But to be quite honest, I'm frickin tired. My body is tired and my heart is tired, and my body is tired because my heart is tired. I am emotionally exhausted. I read your blogs and your posts and I am proud of you for your honesty. How oh how can I bring myself to trust you, who I do not know, with any parts of myself at such an impeccably difficult time? My life is not on a smooth course, nor has it really ever been. Things are messed up and my life is really messy, whether it is me or someone else who messes it up. I can't focus at work even though I try really hard to do so I literally distract myself with your blog posts. I wish I could tell you what's really up, but I can't. I feel silly for writing this, and I don't want to be found on the internet, but I'm not a quitter, and I think God has purpose... but I wonder if I should be in Circles. I have to learn how to protect my heart again, but my heart is always on my sleeve. I'm used to being really honest with people about life, but that method has absolutely hurt me so much, especially recently... but I don't have enough emotional energy right now to talk abstractly about issues without actually giving you details... but God-willing, I will find a way. I can't see myself, rather, I can't let myself trust you without knowing you... it would be contradictory to everything life is teaching me right now. I'm not being stubborn or mean. My heart has been through the meat-grinder... rather, is going through. I'm not sure what it looks like when it'll be done in that stage. I have absolutely not left God in the dust with all of this. Quite opposite. I respond well to physical touch... and as awkward as this sounds, feel free to hug me.
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Praying for you. I had a VERY difficult year, and in a lot of ways some things are still pretty hard. But the bad things can't cant really touch me as much, and when they cant touch you they can't hurt you. The thing is that our battle field is the mind and heart. We war against principalities and spirits. We fight the principalities with decisions that support the principles we claim to live by. We claim to trust the Lord, then make a decisions that show that. You said that you can't let yourself trust us, that is fine, and trust needs to be nurtured and grown. But if the Lord is telling you to trust Him by being vulnerable and honest in this context that is a whole other story. You can always trust Him.
ReplyDeleteSorry if I am coming off too direct, but I really felt lead to be honest with you and share some of my own struggles and victories.
I will pray that you can discern THE Spirits voice from the whispering lies of the enemy's. Don't let the Devil win with past mistakes, wrongs, and/or regrets. If the world has crushed your heart, look forward to all the attention and love God wants to put into the healing process for you. You just gotta let Him, He is the master physician. Just like you trust a doctor on how to care for your body, you can trust Christ with your heart and soul. And He knows you, so he knows how to TRULY bless you!
Even though I don't really know you, know you, I love you. Cuz I'm your brother, and I am praying for you.
Jenna, thank you for the Isaiah 43 :) so sickk. when times are hard like this, i like to focus on the reality of heaven, and how awesome it will be to have eternal rest. whatever you're struggling with, youre forgiven, and your home is in heaven :) Hebrews 4:14-16 is a great passage to help get through hard times. dont let the guilt you feel get inbetween you and God's love. i know it's ahrd, trust me i know its hard, but we gotta put our shame behind us and move on, testifying of his grace and love. i dont know you, but i care about you, and im praying for you :)
ReplyDeleteshoot! i just realized i might have got it completely wrong! i dont know... my bad if i did. but anyways, be encourged and know that i'm praying for you!
ReplyDeleteTruly, Jenna, we can't ask for more than this. This is honesty. Honesty doesn't always require details, it requires showing us a piece of your heart. I think that's what you've done. We'll do all we can to make ourselves trustworthy with the rest. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI am a hugger and hug long and hard if the person is willing. I tend to shy away from this in new places and honestly I don't think anyone in Orange County even knows this about me besides my husband. All of this to say...I really appreciate your heart and thoughts...and I would be willing to hug you anytime. I just need to know which face is yours.
ReplyDeleteHey Jenna. I love that you wear your heart on you sleeve. It can be the best and the worst. I read this earlier this morning and wasnt able to comment then, but I have been thinking about what you wrote, and God has really put you on my hear tonight. You are not alone. And I know how hard it is to trust people sometimes. Especially when you just met them. It's against the norm. No matter what though, take courage in the fact that even though you may not know us all yet, you do have a family in Circles. And you can most certainly count on a hug on Saturday night :) You are in my prayers. See you soon!
ReplyDeleteJ. Suth.
ReplyDeleteRemember that "breast milk" or somewhat sounding innaprope analogy I somehow used when we were talking in my bedroom a few weeks ago? We both knew it had great purpose and you got my drift. That story has nothing to do with anything.
Let's do this together.
Love you sister.
Thank you for your raw honesty. I admire it. I am sorry for all that you are going through and I just pray that God reveals what the heck is up and why you are on this path. Praying for you, my sister, may God show up in your life in big ways, may you feel His love, peace, and faithfulness in amazing & new ways. May His truths be revealed to you and may healing come in great abundance.
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