please don't judge me.
I've been thinking about this for years, since a small group leader told me this story. At ultimate low points in life, I especially think about this. I have never found an answer for myself.
My small group leader was a missionary in Jordan for ten years in the '90s. We were reading Willard's "The Spirit of the Disciplines" together and learning about the ways Christ disciplined His life (fasting, prayer, solitude, silence, etc.). She told us this story about when she was in Jordan. A friend of hers had been trying to get pregnant for years. She decided to fast and wait on God to give her an answer either way, if she were to get pregnant of not. So she decided to fast until God gave her an answer. On the eighth day of her fast, she became pregnant.
I have often wondered, but especially now, if there is a way for me to show God, ask God, petition God in hopes that He will answer me.
But then I wonder if I am demanding something of God that is not in His timing to show me, or tell me. Then I wonder if I just don't have the faith to believe that He will show me when I ask Him.
This is kinda the sit or fight debate in my mind. And I'm pretty sure somewhere in the great Book, it says that man prayed and changed the heart of God.
I know that God knows me and He knows all that is going on inside of me. I have to trust that He is here with me in this. I have to trust that He knows my heart and what it yearns for and what it wants and how it breaks more deeply than it loves because He made it. I don't have to explain the pain to Him because He knows.
Can I, or how can I show Him? What if He doesn't answer or I don't understand it?
I'm not sure this has anything to do with this... I know Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice, but is there something I can do further, is there something I can give to show Him...
I would do anything to show Him.
I wonder if I should just start fasting without knowing how long. I wonder if this is overspiritualizing the situation. I wonder if there is anything I can do that I am not. I would do anything, give anything for this... for God to make it right in a very specific way.
Jenna, I love your thoughts, you are so passionate for the Lord. Jesus knows your heart, He knows your wants, your needs, your thoughts, everything. I think you are so right when you talk about His timing. I don't know what the Lord wants to teach you in this time, but I can promise you that He is working. I pray that you feel his intimacy in this time and remember that He is walking alongside you in everything you do and think. There is nothing you can do to win Him over, you've already won Him over when you gave your life to Him. He loves everything about you and does not want to see you hurt or confused. Spend time with Him and I promise He will reveal truth and love to you. Thank you for being honest, it is really encouraging. And thank you for reminding me that God knows me, it is such a beautiful thing. And Jenna, my dear, don't ever think that we are judging you. We are all knit together in this Circles thing and I know that we all love and accept each other. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteHe is your beloved, and you are His. Rejoice in this truth. You are beautiful, your heart is precious, and He is faithful. Seek Him, He knows your heart and He knows it better than you do.
ReplyDeletePhilippians 4:4-9
Heartache. I can feel your heart aching...may He carry you. May
ReplyDeleteHe whisper words of hope and healing to you. May he show you your next step.
You are loved with an everlasting love. May you feel His love for you.
You're right, God does know us. He knows exactly what we need. He hears the groaning of our hearts. But he also wants us to tell him.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't think it's for His benefit.
Whenever I begin to try and explain my emotions or desires to God, or whenever I fast and can't quite account for what I'm hoping will come of it...there's something about the action of it that clarifies things. In trying to find the words I am able to more deeply understand what's hapening. In denying myself something I'm able to see the places where I'm weak and need Him. I think that's one of the ways God speaks, as we tell him our thoughts and as we practice other disciplines he speaks through them and helps us to understand who we are and all that we have in Him.
The thing I would warn against is coming in with too much of an agenda. God absolutely wants to hear what we want, but he also wants us to be open to the possibility that He can change our hearts and make us want entirely different things. God promises that He will give us the desires of our hearts, but He also makes it clear that the desires of our hearts should first and foremost be His desires.
By the way, this weekend in services the teaching is on prayer. I'm looking forward to learning some things, and it will probably give you insight about how to move forward.