so. the ideas of hope and joy are rather precarious for me. I don't think it always involves simply "choosing" joy. I felt a bit in my own box on Saturday, not super loving Nouwen's book or thoughts. Unlike some thoughts I heard about how his thoughts were for any Christian and he was showing us how he is like us in our imperfect walks, I actually feel like I am coming up short because I am not doing life as he has, and to be quite honest, I feel guilty for not having joy. I definitely know the difference between happiness and joy. For much more of my life, I have only had joy, not happiness. With where my life is at, my mind and my heart and my soul are in chaos-- and honestly, I can't just choose joy in this right now because I think it would just be pushing everything down. What's troublesome to me, is that in sharing bits of this, I know that I will be utterly misunderstood. How do I find contentment and joy in knowing that I feel like I can trust but only a handful of people? It is not as if I don't know pain, or my life doesn't understand it. I know joy in the very midst of pain-- poverty, abuse, divorce, brokenness. I don't need a lecture on joy in the midst of pain, or how to choose joy when my little world comes crashing down. I know what it is like to have real hope in a loving God when my family is torn apart. I know what it is like to have joy when I drink water to try to fill up my belly. I know what hope is in the midst of Christian family members, pastors, and friends judging my family for practically being alive... because our lives didn't turn out the ways their's did, so we had choices to make that they don't understand. A blog post is only a blog post. You still won't know me or fully understand or maybe think I am dead wrong or crazy. As I throw caution to the wind, I will also now say, that given my last several months of life I do not have any present hope that a particular area of my life will ever improve. It has proven cyclical, and it seems unstoppable, despicably painful, and utterly hopeless. How do I have hope in something I believed I had been redeemed in but then blindsides me? How do I know it will ever be different when I don't see the looming damage? I pray for change, for something, for understanding, for my life to be different. Discontentment? Sure. Knowing what to do with it? Not really. I long for things to be different. I yearn for hope that this will change. But I don't think I can just choose it. I don't think I can just choose joy when there are things that need to be dealt with. There are very good reasons I am unable to find joy in this. I'm not talking about being happy about life either. I know the difference. I don't want self-made hope because I am pulling up my bootstraps and trekkin'... I want it from Him. and I am reaching.
I was thinking that as a remembrance for our time together in Circles, we could collectively donate a traditional well, which runs about $2600. It's just a thought. :) It would be fantastic. Like everyone gives what they can and we'll do a bake sale at church if we are short!
My cousin, who happens to be one in that handful of trusty people I mentioned earlier, just took a job out-of-state. I am really super excited for her. It's a wonderful opportunity... but I am selfishly going to miss her terribly. The time between applying, interviewing, and her start date is three weeks. I slightly feel like I am one by one being stripped of people I am depending on, people who really know me, people who are truest to me. They are busy, or their hearts change, or their priorities do not include me. I'm not going to say, "wow! this means that Jesus wants me all to Himself" because He has me. I don't spend more time with anyone or anything over Him... I have too many things to talk through with Him. But I do know that being hired at my job just five weeks ago is keeping me here... I do know that I am to stay in California at a time in life where I so badly want to go with my cousin. Not to run away, but to have tangible newness and distractions for a time, when life seems stagnant with pain.
I am puppy-sitting an incredibly vivacious doggie for only two more days. Kinda bummed. I really want a doggie... but I know that's maybe for a different time of life. hey! I'm content in this. Not happy about it, but content.
Alrighty, I think I should hit "publish post" before I delete everything.
okay so first off, i was not subscribed to your blog until today for some reason so i'm sorry! i was not intentionally neglecting you :) second, i love your honesty in this. i wish that i had something really encouraging to say to you right now, but my human mind has failed me. i will definitely be praying for you though and i hope that God will give me some words.
ReplyDelete"Alrighty, I think I should hit "publish post" before I delete everything."
please don't ever do that! we want to know what's on your heart and we want to help. you're on my heart tonight love.
hey jenna, i really enjoyed reading this. thanks for the authenticity in your words. "a blog post is just a blog post." isn't it awful and so true? like, i recognize the good in these and i think it's an awesome idea. at the same time, i wish i could know all these things from truly living life alongside each other, rather than necessitating a public journal entry.
ReplyDeleteas far as your feelings of non-joy (or something, haha) i want to say that a lot of people involved in the church will try to pull you up and get your head above water, try to make you feel better. those intentions are really good, but sometimes we just have to go through our pain. it sounds like you have a lot going on in your heart right now. i'm sure it's heavy and painful, but God is bringing newness, whether you feel it or not.
jenna, thank you so much for your honesty with where you are and what you are feeling. i know this is going to sound so cheesy but i really feel like God just needs you to know that there is hope and joy in Him. regardless of definitions, books, or expectations we place on those words He is big enough to take it all all.
ReplyDeletejohn 16:33 says, "But take heart! I have overcome the world." i often forget that He did overcome it all and find myself feeling like you explained above. when those feelings seem to take over remember who you belong to, the God who overcame the world!
Jenna, for the 4th time, thank you for your honesty. you wrote about being misunderstood and so i tried my best to read your words for what they were and really put myself in your shoes so i'm just asking that you do the same and not misunderstand this comment as throwing out a flimsy effort to give you false encouragement, but to see that i really do care about you and what you're going through; but even more than that the Lord cares and is hurting with you. i haven't been in your shoes. sure, ive been depressed from a breakup, or the death of an uncle, or my bestfriend; but i'm not going to try and link my past experiences and try and find some level, relatable ground so that my comment will have more respect from you. what i can do is offer to you what has gotten me through my lowest moments of life and maybe it will help you too. in my lowest of lows simply thinking of heaven has pulled me through. we are living here, in the moment, in the pain, in the world, in the midst of sorrow and of let down in heartbreak. but every believer is going to end up in the same place. there is here, where we are now, and there is heaven where we will be. inbetween these two places no one knows what will happen. you could come out of this scar-free and living the most amazing plentiful beautiful life ever, or you could go through something far worse than what youre going through now and be in even more pain. but in a finite number of years, between 40-80 years most likely, it is a fact that you will be home in heaven. with no weeping, no pain, no suffering, no sorrow. just pure, simple joy. it wont be a choice, it will just be. your very nature and state of mind will not be capable of reaching outside of joy. its just a matter of time. but until then our God heals. so even if you cant see it, there's joy still to be had even in this life. im praying for you tonight jenna. hold on.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what to write and I'm not sure that you want words right now...especially from someone you haven't had a face-to face conversation with. I'm glad you are writing and sharing. Keep doing so, please.
ReplyDeleteI echo Shea's words. I don't really have words.
ReplyDeleteBut I'll pray.
Hun, please know that we, as the Body of Christ, as Circles will stand beside you, hold you up, walk the deep walks, listen, pray, and do our best to be what you need, and share what we feel God is trying to share. We want to love on you, take care of you, and help you find healing, understanding, the Lord's faithfulness, and an idea of all the mighty things that are in store for you. My heart feels sorrow at knowing that you have gone through pains that I wish you hadn't had to face. Please know that though we do not understand, we want to and we want to come alongside you to fight the good fight. Lifting you high in prayer.
ReplyDelete